People I love have been dealing with death. My husband lost his father. Family and friends are dealing with loss of parents and beloved pets. There have been losses that aren’t death, but also not that dissimilar. There was a ceasefire in Gaza, but there are reports that it hasn’t been upheld by Israel. The fires in California have caused unimaginable devastation. The U.S.’s refugee program was, unsurprisingly, cancelled. Cruelly, even. A call for mercy invited… scorn? I have friends worried for their federal jobs and about being deported. It’s… relentless. What do you do when a new year brings only fresh grief, loss and a sense that things are less possible than before? I need a new new year. I have joked (hilariously) to (many) people that the Lunar Year is my new year. When you find yourself saying the same thing over and over, I think you are trying to make it true. I just want something that feels like relief. A deep breath.
Next week it will be the Year of the Snake (蛇年). I love snakes. I love their cool smoothness, the way they feel in your hand. The way they turn into a gorgeous Chloe bag. Of course, in the Judeo-Christian tradition, the snake in the Garden represented evil. In Islam, the snake represents temptation but also wisdom, healing and protection. When I lived in Thailand, we were surrounded by nagas, both literal and figurative, that represented purification, change and rejuvenation. Also, they would come into our house through the toilet. But that’s neither here nor there. For now, I am choosing to go with the representation of the snake as shedding skin, transforming. But then I wonder if what I actually want is transformation or just a return to things the way they were before. I don’t even have a baseline of before in mind, but just before now. Transformation is painful. Shedding of old skin, of old ways of being, of norms, hurts. Maybe not for snakes, but for me.
Death and fires are devastating, but they are of nature. Grieving natural things has its own rhythms. It’s the rest I don’t know how to deal with — the self-inflicted wounds. I find myself needing to attach to something bigger than myself in this moment. If it’s the Chinese zodiac, so be it. In the spirit of shedding like a snake, I keep trying to come up with a new strategy or routine to right myself. Should I lift heavier weights? Should I get a professional certification? Should I go to City Council meetings? All of those things are fine, and I should probably do them, but I’m looking for a plan that speaks to my soul and not just my schedule. I needed something that reminds me of who I am and what I know to be true. This quote I came across from Arundhati Roy speaks directly to that:
“To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget.”
May we never get used to the violence and inequity around us. To be honest, I have kind of come to expect violence and unfairness. It’s what happens if you’re paying attention. This newsletter is about giving because I find that giving, both through my work and on my own, is proof that I believe that another way is possible. That it is the only way forward. For those of you who are paid subscribers, 100% of your pledges ($624) was donated to Border Kindness, an org that works primarily in Mexico with migrants. They will continue to assist people who are being shut out of America. Thank you for supporting my writing and thank you for making this possible. To me, organizations like Border Kindness are the love and joy in sad, hard places.
BRB, I’m pursuing beauty to its LAIR. I don’t even know what that means, but, damn. To me, pursuing beauty is the 1000 times I’ve already listened to Debí Tirar Más Fotos. It’s art in all of its forms. It’s getting lost in the night sky, birdwatching, sunsets, staring into a flower — all the nature things I thought were for sad, boring people as a child. Little did I know how comforting these things would be when I, myself, was a sad, boring person.
The displays of power and the consolidation of wealth are alarming, but they are not to be confused with strength. I have seen strength in those who hold vigil for the dying, the women who lead their families through unseen and unpaid labor, the undocumented friends navigating uncertainty every day, those who endure violence in Gaza every day, folks who serve the homeless, refugees who start over again and again and asylum seekers who traversed the Derian Gap. I will seek to be in solidarity with strength and not acquiesce to, worship or fear power.
To me, “never look away” isn’t about the tyranny of living online or being informed. You can watch and be curious about yourself, the world, your neighbors. We cannot be on a 24/7 watch of the horrors. We can be unrelenting in our pursuit of curiosity and beauty and love. I choose to believe that “never forget” isn’t just about holding power to account but also reminding yourself who you are and what we are really doing here. Above all, we are here to love. This is what I keep returning to in the midst of death. The love is what survives. None of the rest of this will.
There are better ways to be than outraged. There are people to love and losses to grieve. This stuff that I’m letting define my week - my mood, my energy, my resources - I want to continue to practice to let go. I feel like this was the post traumatic stress week where you return to all the old familiar feelings and let them fight, flight or freeze you. I experienced PTSD (now called PTSI) after an accident, and I actually wanted to stay in it longer because the hypervigilance makes SENSE when you’ve been hurt. Everybody keeps trying to talk you out of your superpower when being in fight, flight or freeze feels like an appropriate way to react to threats. Y’all are the ones that are tripping, just letting things some hurt you again. But… I also know I am so much better (and more functional!) on the other side of it. I’m giving myself this week. If you need more time, if you are impacted by these things in any, by all means, take your time. But I am ready for a new year. 🐍🐍🐍
HERE FOR IT
How to give away a fortune — You could always call me, but a committee is another option.
🪐Planets aligning! 🪐 - Until January 25, you will be able to see the planet parade of Mars, Jupiter, Uranus, Neptune, Venus, and Saturn in the sky. I was able to see 4 the other night, and it was awesome. We are, indeed, insignificant.
ConnectHER Film Festival - I work with ConnectHER on storytelling and as a semi-finalist judge of films. There were SO MANY good short films from young people this year from Gaza, Indonesia, and many more countries. Join us April 4 & 5 at Paramount Theatre in Austin!
New York Times 52 Places always has me dreaming. Norway, anyone?